Sadly, in family mediation, co-parenting with a controlling ex is all too common. Following separation or divorce, parents become anxious about being similarly separated from their children and likewise children become anxious about being separated from their parents.
This is why it is really important for separated parents to establish a good parenting plan upon separation. The plan will determine who has responsibility for the children and their day to day care. The plan should include a routine detailing how the children share their time with their parents, during term time and school holidays, arrangements for special occasions such as Christmas and Birthdays, and taking children on holiday.
Unfortunately lots of parents struggle to communicate following separation and this makes it difficult to establish a viable parenting plan. This breakdown in communication often leads to parental alienation.
Signs of a controlling ex
Where one parent displays controlling or coercive behaviour in relation to the arrangements for the children, there is a risk of narcissistic tendencies. This behaviour will often present itself as:
Cancelling arrangements at short notice
So they can never be relied on for childcare and their former partner cannot make plans i.e. for work or socialising.
Making unreasonable demands for contact
If their demands are not met, they will blame their former partner and make themselves the victim. This is gaslighting.
Abusive behaviour
This behaviour is often borne out of frustration when the narcissist is failing in their plan to control their former spouse. This abuse can be verbal, physical, emotional or verbal.
Failing to collect or return on time
This is another means of keeping their former partner reliant on them and makes it easier to manipulate and control. There are lots of clients who will tell us their ex partner often returns the children early, so they do not dare go out during this time, just in case the children come home early. This is a form of coercive control.
Publicly blaming and shaming
Many narcissists will portray themselves as the victim on social media in an attempt to charm others into thinking negatively about their former partner. The former partner of a narcissist will understandably feel anxious about this, and will endeavour to meet the unreasonable demands of the narcissist to placate them.
Can my ex dictate who is around my child?
As parents we have to make decisions about our children’s safety and welfare on a daily basis. This involves selecting who our children spend time with – this could be a family member, a neighbour, a friend, a work colleague or even a new partner.
We don’t need permission to do this. In the case of new partners, this can be a confusing time for children who are not keen to share your affections with anyone else, and they need lots of reassurance when new partners arrive on the scene.
It would seem sensible to share your intentions with the co parent of your children, so you can both support them through this change. But if that co-parent is a narcissist they may seek to control the situation, using the tactics outlined above.
What can I do if I am co parenting with a controlling ex?
Seek help.
It is important to build your own self esteem & confidence in your own abilities and decision making. The narcissist will attempt to undermine you, by making you doubt yourself. You should join support groups, access counselling and surround yourself with friends & family (who previously may have been alienated during your relationship with the narcissist).
You can also speak to one of our highly-experienced mediators to arrange a session with your former partner. Family Mediation provides a safe, controlled environment in which you and your partner can start to plan for the future. Through the mediation process you can identify a parenting plan setting out the arrangements for the children and what is expected of each of you as parents. This process takes the control away form the narcissist.
All of our mediators at Crowther Mediation are trained to identify and negotiate with narcissists. We’re here to support you. Get in touch today.
